Thank you, The Truth. I understand. It was challenging to figure it all out, as I was there so long. I did have some great experiences, but they were very colored by things that happened at the end. It is very, very difficult to feel completely betrayed by people you felt were your friends, people you trusted with your life. I don't know that I'll ever truly be "over it." I spent over a decade with these people - most of my adult life, in fact.
It's always challenging to understand the past and what happened, but the best I can put together is that I was growing back then because whatever his issues were, they weren't in my way. I loved a lot of the people I met - a lot of them really were trying to grow. Eventually, my growth was greatly impinged by his needs. I do remember when he started adding all these new people, making groups bigger, etc., everything getting much more intense. Obviously each person will have his or her own experience, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. No one should have been treated abusively. It functioned much like a family in that way where one person would be treated abusively and others really well, so that then no one would believe the person speaking up.
I also deeply feel that because I was raised in a family where I was made to feel responsible for the behavior and emotions of my parents, I was parentified, and I was also sexually abused (not just physically, but also told on a regular basis that "ghosts would rape me" at night when I was only nine and ten years old) and physically abused (where on a weekly basis I was force fed until I would get sick; my sibling was as well - one time he vomitted on his plate, the plate was cleaned, and he was forced to keep eating). My mother constantly overshared with me all her romantic, sexual, and emotional problems. I grew up in a family where things like sexual abuse and drug abuse were ignored or minimized. I was used to people having power over me. It wasn't unfamiliar to me at all, in fact. I had the type of family who put me down, refused to help me with college until I was suicidal over not being able to go to a 4 year college, guilted me over everything I needed (like glasses or braces), and basically pretended I was an adult because they didn't want to parent me. When I was in my early 20s, paying for my own college, I even lent my family my money. Then again in grad school, my mother called begging for me to put a bunch of her debt on my credit so she could get a huge house she wanted. My pain, what I was going through DIDN'T MATTER AT ALL for honestly most of my life. When I would stand up for myself, then my mother would say how much she loved me and talk over and over about my "baby" years. I was very used to emotional manipulation. I also paid for my own therapy because my mother told me she was "done" with me and it was "her time now." I was only a junior in college, paying for 100% of my bills and my college while working and paying for therapy to recover from abuse from HER ex-husband. She didn't consider that to be her responsibility at all, even though I was suicidal. So consider where I came from.
So my opinion of him is tainted by the fact that I had a poor excuse for a family to begin with. He seemed to care about me, but consider where i came from. Even today, even with his controlling behavior, he was still better than my family.
But back to him... one of his needs was for me to see my abusive family because they were "bothering him." He literally called me in the middle of the night and demanded that I "deal with them" because he "didn't want to." In my opinion (and knowing how controlling my family is), they were probably threatening to sue him. I was at a vulnerable point. I had literally just had a baby and was getting very little sleep. Looking back, I probably had postpartum depression. However, he "didn't believe in postpartum depression." I had birth injuries that took me over two years to recover from as well. So when he called me at a point where i was waking 10-13 times a night with my nursing child, I wasn't able to really think straight.
HE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT. That is the bottom line. His behavior was HIS PROBLEM. NOT MINE.
When I brought up this MAJOR issue after his death, I was told by one young male social worker that I just "should have left." He then proceeded to defend the "great Red Bear." This was the same man who was mentioned in an earlier thread who called someone who wanted to leave like 100x. I'm sorry, but demanding that I see a family who disbelieved the fact that I was sexually abused is RIDICULOUS. Was there any thought about what this would put me through? My new family? My new baby?
And to the person who acted as a bully and said, I "should have left," I really encourage you to rethink how you treat women and new mothers, and perhaps not see them as clients. You are clueless and possibly dangerous, especially to mothers who are struggling with issues already. Maybe someday you'll become a parent and then you'll finally see the light.
The therapists who left after he died I don't blame at all. What people don't get is that you were basically stuck with him because he enmeshed you into everything. If you left him, you left all your friends. I don't agree with the people who are saying to sue them, etc. HE was the problem, not them. However, I highly encourage those who are still believing those of us who were misused by him were the problem to get a CLUE and stop enacting his "hero journey" of insanity onto your innocent clients.
Several of them should also know that my mother is "investigating them" and may "sue them." I had to hire an attorney and get police involved to keep her out of my life. They 100% have RED BEAR to blame. Don't blame me! I even reached out to a few of the past members for help but they couldn't be bothered to care. I argued with him about seeing them, how I didn't want to, how I was finally DONE. He then had the nerve to tell me I had to see them, and then have a group where he had the whole group turn on me about how I was seeing them and shouldn't "see them so much." I fuck you not. I trusted him. He has really eroded my ability to trust people due to this controlling, abusive behavior.
It was very difficult to heal from these things, and I finally was able to get away from my toxic and abusive family while seeing him. I was HAPPY away from them. But no, it was necessary for me to see them because he was being "bothered." He did not care about me or my child AT ALL. I highly suspect he shared what was going on with others in the group, none of whom stood up for me.
In the past year, I have been stalked, harassed and abused further by this family that I NEVER WANTED TO SEE AGAIN. In fact, I have had to hire a lawyer at my expensive to deal with it. So no, I'm not "grateful" for his "healing." He was 100% responsible for guilting me into seeing them,as he knew how to manipulate all my issues and tell me he "knew this is what" I had to do. Who calls their client at fucking midnight in a panic and tells them to see an abusive family? HIM.
I was completely bashed by him when I refused to stay at his parties with my child and told him I didn't want to come to his house anymore with my baby. I brought up (as did another older member) that his untrained dog was dangerous. Instead of listening, he along with many other group members, attacked the member who brought this up. I was told that I was always "a problem" and "never happy" because I was afraid his dog would hurt a child. Around the time I had my child, I started to slowly pull away from him and the group due to their treatment of parents and children. Within a year of that conflict, the "pet" attacked two adults, both of whom needed surgery to recover. But you see, only he could have the truth. If any of us said anything he did not want to hear about HIM, all hell would break loose.
The best of all - he would go on retreats and tell the mothers he'd make them a manual of the retreat that they didn't attend. Then he'd return and scream at us that he wasn't making us anything! He would get angry and resentful that we couldn't attend his retreats. I attended ONE with my child, and then promised myself I'd never attend a retreat or quest for the rest of my life. I begged the leaders to allow me to bring a fold out mattress for me and my baby to sleep on. I was told I was a "problem" once again, made fun of, and then told to "sleep on an air mattress." I brought up the fact that air mattresses are dangerous for babies, and I was laughed at and treated like a problem. That's when I realized I needed to get away from these people as much as possible.
So before we decide that this man had all "the truth," I really think we should look at the abusive behaviors that were allowed to take place.While "no one is perfect" (this is what narcissists usually say to defend their behavior, btw), we were not allowed to address these issues during his life or even after. THAT is the real issue.
Fortunately, I am seeing an ethical therapist who has helped me recover, and I have a great lawyer to fight off my "family."
To those of you who called yourselves my friends, no you weren't. None of you stood up for the issues that were going on, and instead many of you stood up for him even after he died, sidelining those of us who dealt with serious issues with his behavior.
When I tried to speak to any of them, they were "moving on" (practically immediately). For people who could delve into the issues a paper cut caused them for a decade, they were "moving on" from their MENTOR within months.
And before you judge me for my "anger," consider how you'd feel if someone allowed your child to be hurt by known abusers for his convenience.