Carsten, white people brought this onto their selves with their greed, dishonesty and cruelty. I was fortunate as a white person to take part in authentic ceremony back in the early 90's. I have never violated the trust placed in me for my minimal participation and I never will. My life is far different than that of Native peoples, and I can never know what they live and have lived. But, I can understand hurt, anger, and the importance of protecting what is a core importance and value, be it a Native person or any other person on this planet.
Seriously, you need to learn that trespassing on another person's heart and soul, regardless of who they are, is wrong. It does not matter what you think or feel, it is not yours to take or walk on. If you were fortunate to find some healing in the crazy world we live in, then be happy with that and leave it at that and leave all the rest of it alone.
You say you have only taken what was given to you. Nice. But you are not doing that by continuing to use it. The gift was given and received and it is over now. Done. To continue to take of it is gluttony. You may not realize this, but it is. From my personal experience I can say this. I was fortunate, received, and then I left and I do not keep taking of it. If you want to give of what you were given, then stop using it and start protecting it. That is the only way to give back of what you were given. You don't seem to understand that whatever you were given to heal yourself has expired now. It's over. Now it is only time to protect it, so the millions of exploiters don't destroy it. It doesn't belong to you and it never did. It came and went and you trying to continue with it is not good. It is exploiting something special, and it is tarnishing what was given.
Leave it alone now. I think Freija is right that you are at this forum because you reached a crossroad. Continue as you are doing, and it will not be good for you or others. Learn here in this forum, be grateful for what came to you, let it go and leave it alone, and it will be good for you and all others.
You cannot pretend to be what you are not. You cannot pretend to have knowledge on ceremony you are not part of. You cannot keep doing what you are doing, it is harmful. You are being told this now. That it's come and gone and to continue with it as you are, is only going to harm. What is your choice now.. that's up to you, but I hope you put aside your self, selfishness, of what *you* think and *you* feel and instead, look to what is real. The reality is that these ceremonies and ways are not yours, do not belong to you and you have no rights to them.