Odds and Ends > Comedy Channel

Frequently Asked Questions (and Creative Answers)

<< < (2/4) > >>

I suppose what's missing from this FAQs is simply a list of the questions themselves.

1. Can I become an Indian?

2. Why not? I think I'm Indian at heart.

3.  What's wrong with mixing traditions?

4. But it feels right for me!

5. How can this not be true? Everyone has their own truth!

6. OK, maybe that's true for those other frauds, but not for my great leader.

What are the other standard questions they always come up with?

'But there Indians who want to share!' (Note novel use of 'share' to mean monetary transaction).

Sure, but sharing is a two-way thing. The Pine Ridge Department of Public Works will be along to pick up your second car later this week. It will be sold at auction to raise money for home insulation for senior citizens: those whose homes are not reparable will drop by to 'share' your second home with you this winter.

'Indians who don't like what we do are racists!'

I've not yet heard of gangs of corrupt tribal cops travelling to yuppie suburbs at night in order to beat up suburban newagers. When Indian racists start carving giant, threatening petroglyphs into the lawns and golf courses of your yuppie suburb in the dead of night, then you might have something to worry about.

How about the old...I have an indian spirit guide. I asked one such new ager why they think their "spirit guide" was ndn if they spoke english? I was met with several irate people who then went on with things like..

"well I don't turn away any spirits that come. I just welcome them. Who are you to tell me what spirits come to me?"

It quickly degenerated into a rant that went something like this...

"No one has the market cornered on suffering! I'm sure some of your ancestors killed white people too. The problem with ndns is too many people think they are something special..especially the ndns."

Of course I failed to see how any of that had to do with the original statement but it didn't seem to bother them. The racism just came pouring forth.

OK so what do any of you say when confronted with the often stated "indian spirit guide"?

There's a minor English neo-pagan author calling herself [edit: name removed] who reckons she has an Indian spirit guide. She got around the cheesy-stereotype problem by deciding that she can't be deluding herself because [breathy spirchul voice] she's just, like, an incredibly grounded and real person, you know?[/breathy spirchul voice]

I don't think it's possible to argue rationally with someone who needs to believe like that. Sometimes, like you found, it's entertaining to wind 'em up and watch 'em self-destruct.

I got the same types of people in Europe insisting they never turned away spirits. Usually I put on my best concerned face:

"Gosh, do you also tell your kids to always trust strangers? Do you tell em, 'Go with that nice man in the trenchcoat with prison tattoos!'"
-said like I'm talking down to a child.

The crowd generally started snickering and the questioner's face fell. That's when you really want to pour it on, since subtlety is often lost on some of the ones who've been misled or are lost in their own little world:

"Do you also eat any mushroom you find in the woods? You do know some of them are poisonous, d-o-n-t y-o-u? Some spirits are dangerous. Some spirits LIE and HARM people and take JOY in tricking others. The only place where you should always trust spirits is...FANTASYLAND!"

Mo, I also think the same answer works for both the Indian spirit guide and I-was-Indian-in-a-past-life:

Find out the tribe (Its always a famous tribe like Lakota, Comanche, etc, never one of the California or northwest coast tribes.)

Then say "Congratulations on speaking Lakota fluently! Let's hear you tell all about what your guide said/what your past life was like, in Lakota, no dictionary, no going to actual Lakotas to get a translation! Now!"

And for the racist ranters, usually theyre beyond hope. The main thing I would do is try to embarass them in front of the crowd so as to turn others away from their ideas. Something like:

"So do you tell Jews to just get over the Holocaust? Do you go to Harlem and lecture Blacks on 'The problem with you Blacks is...?'"

Usually plugging in another ethnic group so people can see just how racist/condescending/hostile the speaker is works pretty well.

And then again, you can try simple sarcasm. "Thank you for having the unquestionable solutions to fix all our problems oh Wise One. That is mighty white of you, oh Great White Father."


[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page

Go to full version