General > Member Introductions

Was this spiritual abuse by a shaman?

(1/2) > >>

kris7:
Hello. My name is Kris. I went searching and found your forum.

I have been through a difficult relationship in recent years. To my surprise, just as those wounds begin to heal, my thoughts have returned to something I haven't thought about in years.

First, some background: I was harmed by an unscupulous surgeon in 2007. He had said he was going to remove a sinus polyp, but instead removed alot of bone from my face, ruining my face and causing me severe breathing problems. My inner nose--the turbinates which are the organ of breathing--had been removed. I had numerous serious infections from the butchery. I was very sick, distraught, and suffering intensely from the breathing problem. I later discovered there was no medical reason for the surgery.

I had been helped by a spiritual director--trained by a Christian Spiritual Directing organization, Wellsprings--previously, through a difficult period, of about 3 years. I had not seen her for about 4 years when I returned, in this condition. I was unable to work during this time and had only a little money left to live on. I asked her if I could pay less than she normally charges as I was in a bind. She agreed, but I could tell she wasn't happy. This surpised me as the woman was very well off.

At first, she was helpful in affirming my feelings about what had been done to me. She remembered my face and said that the man who had done this to me had not made a mistake. He was a madman. This was the way I felt.

Over about 5 more one-hour sessions, my crying and expressing of anger did not cease, and I talked about wanting to sue the doctor. In about the sixth session like this, she became very disgusted with me, and told me I needed professional counseling, not spiritual direction, that I had mental health issues. I was gutted. I was in so much pain, didn't have my real face, couldn't breathe, was sick from the infections, and she had labeled me neurotic. I attempted to disagree, to get her to see that I was in a spiritual crisis because my strength had been tested beyond the limit. I felt I needed love and attending, though obviously attending me was not pleasant.

She turned very cold and angry, bristling, I could see and feel intense dislike. She said very stiffly that she could make me a referral to a professional who could try to help me, but there was nothing she could do. "I take care of souls," she said hatefully. I stumbled out of the session. I couldn't believe what had happened.

Later at home, I fel absolutely sick. She had made me feel unacceptable to myself. I believed she had made a mistake. I thought we were friends. I called her to talk about what had happened, and how I felt, and she spat at me, "I'll gladly send your money for the session back."

The spiritual director is also a shaman. Some months later, to my surprise, I received an e-mail invitation to a "drumming circle" she was holding at her home. There was a special invitation for me to have a spiritual reading by one of her shamanic students after the drumming. I felt this was a peace offering. I was very ill, but determined to attend.

When I arrived, she told me to go to the basement and wait. I sat in the basement by myself. All of the others stayed upstairs until everyone had arrived. Then they came down together. I was having so much trouble breathing in the airless basement, I could barely cope. I felt horribly self-conscious, like a lesser person than the others. Then there was the drumming, and though I was suffering, it was nice. One thing that bothered me, however, was how much everyone fawned over the shaman, telling her how powerful she was, how great, how elevated, how Godly.

Then there was the spiritual reading, done by her student. The student began to describe a large bird soaring over a hilly area as people were gathered below. I felt very happy as this was a reading of my spirit. It was soaring. Then the student said, "Then the bird...I am sorry...I don't know how to say this...releases its bowels upon all the people below." I almost ceased breathing. I can still remember my heart clenching against the pain.

I had to wait for the gathering to be over. I stumbled upstairs with the others. I turned to my former spiritual director for a good-by, but she hugged everyone good-by except me.

I am a poor driver and night blind, and by this time, I really couldn't breathe. I got lost. It took me 3 hours, gasping for air, to drive the half hour home. I recall that, during this period, I could not have a nice expression on my face because I was in so much pain. Plus, it wasn't my face. I had felt self-conscious about that. It had been quite an undertaking for me to go out at all.

Somehow, I went on. I got better, and had other life experiences. I am now one year out of an abusive relationship, and just as I start to feel better, this experience came to my mind.

Was this spiritual abuse? HAD I done something wrong--being negative--to warrant being treated this way? Why would she do this? Any and all feedback is welcome. Thank you for listening.

debbieredbear:
Sure sounds like it to me! The only thing you did wrong is to trust the wrong person, and that can happen to almost anyone.

kris7:
Thank you, debbieredbear, Your response helps me, as I think this is a long-buried wound underlying subsequent bad experiences. As I heal from the bad relationship, this is what I find at the bottom of the wound.

earthw7:
I am so sorry this happen to you, you never pay to pray and most these people called shamans are fakes.
my husband has some of the same problems in which a doctor removed most of the sinus glans he could not sleep or breath good made him miserable they said there was no reason for this doctor to do this, he has a CPAT to sleep with now and doing the best we can.

kris7:
earthw7, ENT's are performing that surgery purely for money. It is a terrible medical crime. If your husband has not come across the the term Empty Nose Syndrome, that is the name for it. There are a number of forums for sufferers, and here is my blog about ENS: https://ens3.wordpress.com/ I am very sorry this happened to him.

I think the spiritual director/shaman who was cruel to me was very serious about her work and felt it was a calling. She was married to a minister of a very large Methodist church, and was very involved in the church. She was helpful to me in the earlier years when I saw her, but even then she got weird towards me in the last...about 6 months. She had begun to treat me disrespectgully, not letting me in her home until she was ready for my appt... not hugging me good-by.

I am looking back on this now. Her cold behavior hastened my leaving her direction.  When I returned years later, I believe I was remembering the whole of the experience, which was good, and not the weirdness at the end. Now I think she had begun to dislike me at the end of the first period of me being a client. I don't know why. When I returned, able to pay less than half her fee, I feel that was unbearable to her, as she both didn't like me, and did like money. She buried these issues beneath a veneer of compassion. After all, she considered herself a Christian.

He real feelings took over, in short order. Between her resentment over how little she was making from my appointments and having to listen to me cry and vent, her disgust must have overwhelmed her.

The special invitation to the drumming circle takes the picture alot farther into her inner darkness. That appears to have been a planned and calculated assault on my spiritual well-being. This, from a "healer." Within that picture, also, was a huge amount of stomach-churning fawning by her students and followers. That, I know, is an unhealthy sign in any gathering of a spiritual leader and followers. That means the leader has been placed above the message and is being worshipped. In other words, ego is in charge, not God. The fact she planned to hurt me is indicative of even worse, I think that her ego had taken over her practice. Her ego was running the show if it was allowed to plan and execute a spiritual attack upon a suffering soul.

She had felt attacked, in her ego, when I attempted to tell her she had been mistaken in her guidance, and she planned an elaborate retaliation, in a setting where I could see how great and revered she was. These are my thoughts.

Thank you for your reflection.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page